Burn Goodale Park: 5 Reasons Comfest Sucks (but you’re going anyways)

June 20, 2011


In Columbus, the last weekend of June is always a special time for the city’s inhabitants due to the massive Community festival that takes place in Goodale Park. If you’ve never been to Comfest before, then imagine a place where your hippie uncle, that goth chick from the coffee shop, your cousin that does too much acid, and your fem-neighbors that have never missed a Lillith Fair can get together and feel like they’re accomplishing something. Realistically, Comfest doesn’t vary too much from any other community festival out there – in its basest form, it exists to generate revenue for Columbus business owners and promote local music while everyone gets a little weird with it. Not much changes from year to year, so here’s your top 5 reasons why Comfest sucks, but you’re going to end up going anyways.

1. Painted breasts
Columbus allows anyone to be topless in city limits, so naturally this seems like a great attraction. Enticed by the prospect of seeing free boobs, you may enter Comfest feeling as if you’ve entered the promised land of sexual freedom and artistic expression. Unfortunately, it’s going to be more akin to coming back from a long day at work and finding that a sick animal has broken into your home, rolled around in fingerpaint, and proceeded to die on your favorite recliner. While this seems like it could possibly go well, just remember, “it’s never the ones you want.

Remember, if you bring your own beer, it means you hate the community.

2. Drinking in the Park
Publicly drinking incognito is an age old tradition that has been around since bureaucrats decided that it’s irresponsible for the everyman to get tanked in the middle of nature like the gods intended. Nowadays, drinking in a public park out of a giant mug seems like a dream unattainable to anyone but underage teenagers that have a talent of skimming leftover Busch Light from their parents.

For a nominal fee, however, you too can wait in line for an hour to buy ridiculously overpriced tokens before standing in an even longer line – the whole while trying to convince yourself that a barter economy isn’t a stupid idea – before getting served from a veritable treasure trove of locally brewed ales like Bud Light. Fortunately, the whole process takes about an hour, which is just enough time for you to catch the jam band that’s playing right next to the beer booth – no, not the jam band at the big stage…no, not the jam band at the off ramp stage, either…no, not the other jam band. You know, the one your co-worker’s 55 year old uncle plays bongos for.

This band was called the Old Grateful Marley Phish Project. They were soooo good!

3. Local Music
An event as large as Comfest can create a huge mess, but every year a group of volunteers toils away, making sure that Goodale Park is just as clean afterwards as it was before we came along and urbanized the entire area. If you’ve ever wondered who these selfless individuals are that devote their time and effort into the beautification of the community, you can thank them respectively when they perform alongside all the other hopeful future Comfest bands.

Although it may seem like the Comfest committee will let any band get up on stage and flail around for an hour to a disinterested crowd (except for your drunk aunt – she’s totally into it!), only the finest musical acts that nobody has ever heard of meet the strict guidelines required for admission. These performers must have a strong sense of community, a fun dedication to their craft, and play weekly at Woodland’s Tavern.

Sidenote: My thrash band, Torsofuck, has applied the last 5 years running and hasn’t been successful. We just got a blood fountain that really adds to our stage show, so we’re hopeful that the committee will make it to our next gig so they can see how integral we’ll be to a good Comfest experience.

4. Drug Free Zone(?)
A tight knit community like ours can be torn apart from the inside by drug use, so the Columbus Police Department patrols the park with a keen eye, making sure that nobody brings in any outside alcohol and most importantly, hardcore drugs like LSD and marijuana. They’ve got to keep the streets clean so that local merchants can sell their bongs and glow-in-the-dark neon posters without worrying about junkies roaming all willy-nilly through the streets. There’s a word on the tip of my tongue that starts like hippopotamus and ends like idiocracy that could be used to describe the situation…nope! I lost it.

Wait, is this the beer line or the bathroom line?

5. Using the restroom
If you’ve ever wondered what it smells like at Burning Man, fear not – a quick trip to the Comfest portable toilets can help you cross that sensation off your bucket list. On the other hand, if you’re a sissie that’s afraid of getting caught for urinating in public, the portable toilets come in a variety of pleasing shades (depending on what part of Goodale Park you’re on), so you can feel at peace while you wait in line for an hour. (Beef quick tip: After you’ve waited in line for an hour to get a beer, head directly to the bathroom line – you’ll have to go by the time you’re finished, guaranteed!) Fortunately, you’ll be greeted by the pleasantly pungent aroma that permeates communal toilets – especially after Comfest patrons have been walking around all day.

Have a great Comfest, everyone!

These images were pulled from random twitter accounts and other interwebz sources. The Beef takes no credit for the images, only for the humorous captions

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5 Comments on “Burn Goodale Park: 5 Reasons Comfest Sucks (but you’re going anyways)”

  1. mightymayes Says:

    Heres another 3.
    No GEU, Chelsea, or Stucco. Boo.


  2. Leigh D. Phingas Says:

    They’re all good bands, but I’m more disappointed that this will be yet another year marked by the egregious shut out of Torsofuck. They’ve given back so much to the community.


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