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Wet Darlings Turn Out To Be Egotistical Jackasses

June 22, 2011


The Wet Who-lings, you say? If you’re not familiar with the Wet Willies, stand in line over there, in between the signs that say “Everyone” and “In the world.” These not-so Darlings are a Columbus-based local band that find it humorous to beat down on young, aspiring musicians/shorts models that want so desperately to stroke the ego of their moist idols. The blog post that we’re putting on trial can be found here. Let’s take a looksie under the microscope, shall we?

Because I want to listen to this band when I google bicycles, lutes, and my nephew Ethan.

First of all, what we have here is the drummer of the Wet Schmarlings goading his student into covering their song with his band and recording a video of it on YouTube. The kids sound great, aside from their poor taste of song, and truly exhibit the attitude necessary to break from the bonds of young musicianship and blossom into beautiful little musical flowers. The kids were set up, however, as the Wheat Darings waited like a troll under the bridge for their chance to one up a bunch of little kids and compare themselves as superior alternatives.


While it’s unknown which member runs the blog, but my best guess is the girl singer – because she essentially beats everybody with a point system down except for the girl singer of the children’s band, citing amazing “sass and courage” for being a girl that sings in a male fronted rock band as the reason for positive review. Sass and courage? Are you trying to say this kid is a sassy little lion, or are you trying to tell the world what you really think of yourself? If you want “sass and courage”, I suggest you look up prominent female vocalists like Wendy O. Williams, who did courageous things like chain sawing guitars without worrying about getting cut. Instead of telling a girl that she’s special for being a girl, how about you tell her she’s special for being a good musician? If you want to congratulate her for being a girl, say something like, “hey, great job not being naked on facebook” or something like that, put on some non-prescription glasses, and go back to taking pictures and thinking that you’re an individual or something.

If only the Wet Darlings could give fashion advice to Bruce Springsteen, he might have had a successful music career

The next thing that really irks me is that she decides that it’s a good idea to slam the kids’ fashion choices by commenting on not matching their outfits, and wearing sandals and shorts. Really, is this what you’ve come to? Mocking outfits? How about I mock your outfits? The Wet Darlings should be called the Bad Dressedlings. They dress more poorly than Fred Durst and Kid Rock at a camouflage convention. See how it feels, Wet Barings? See how it feels?

And finally, they tie their narcissism all together by posting a video of themselves playing the song – kind of like saying, “hey, you guys are alright but there’s a lot of things wrong here. Let me show you how we, the people who wrote the song, do it so much better than you.” Really? The kids were decent enough to cover your song, put it on YouTube, and you rip out their souls and show them a better version of the song they just covered? Classy, guys…real classy.

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Burn Goodale Park: 5 Reasons Comfest Sucks (but you’re going anyways)

June 20, 2011


In Columbus, the last weekend of June is always a special time for the city’s inhabitants due to the massive Community festival that takes place in Goodale Park. If you’ve never been to Comfest before, then imagine a place where your hippie uncle, that goth chick from the coffee shop, your cousin that does too much acid, and your fem-neighbors that have never missed a Lillith Fair can get together and feel like they’re accomplishing something. Realistically, Comfest doesn’t vary too much from any other community festival out there – in its basest form, it exists to generate revenue for Columbus business owners and promote local music while everyone gets a little weird with it. Not much changes from year to year, so here’s your top 5 reasons why Comfest sucks, but you’re going to end up going anyways.

1. Painted breasts
Columbus allows anyone to be topless in city limits, so naturally this seems like a great attraction. Enticed by the prospect of seeing free boobs, you may enter Comfest feeling as if you’ve entered the promised land of sexual freedom and artistic expression. Unfortunately, it’s going to be more akin to coming back from a long day at work and finding that a sick animal has broken into your home, rolled around in fingerpaint, and proceeded to die on your favorite recliner. While this seems like it could possibly go well, just remember, “it’s never the ones you want.

Remember, if you bring your own beer, it means you hate the community.

2. Drinking in the Park
Publicly drinking incognito is an age old tradition that has been around since bureaucrats decided that it’s irresponsible for the everyman to get tanked in the middle of nature like the gods intended. Nowadays, drinking in a public park out of a giant mug seems like a dream unattainable to anyone but underage teenagers that have a talent of skimming leftover Busch Light from their parents.

For a nominal fee, however, you too can wait in line for an hour to buy ridiculously overpriced tokens before standing in an even longer line – the whole while trying to convince yourself that a barter economy isn’t a stupid idea – before getting served from a veritable treasure trove of locally brewed ales like Bud Light. Fortunately, the whole process takes about an hour, which is just enough time for you to catch the jam band that’s playing right next to the beer booth – no, not the jam band at the big stage…no, not the jam band at the off ramp stage, either…no, not the other jam band. You know, the one your co-worker’s 55 year old uncle plays bongos for.

This band was called the Old Grateful Marley Phish Project. They were soooo good!

3. Local Music
An event as large as Comfest can create a huge mess, but every year a group of volunteers toils away, making sure that Goodale Park is just as clean afterwards as it was before we came along and urbanized the entire area. If you’ve ever wondered who these selfless individuals are that devote their time and effort into the beautification of the community, you can thank them respectively when they perform alongside all the other hopeful future Comfest bands.

Although it may seem like the Comfest committee will let any band get up on stage and flail around for an hour to a disinterested crowd (except for your drunk aunt – she’s totally into it!), only the finest musical acts that nobody has ever heard of meet the strict guidelines required for admission. These performers must have a strong sense of community, a fun dedication to their craft, and play weekly at Woodland’s Tavern.

Sidenote: My thrash band, Torsofuck, has applied the last 5 years running and hasn’t been successful. We just got a blood fountain that really adds to our stage show, so we’re hopeful that the committee will make it to our next gig so they can see how integral we’ll be to a good Comfest experience.

4. Drug Free Zone(?)
A tight knit community like ours can be torn apart from the inside by drug use, so the Columbus Police Department patrols the park with a keen eye, making sure that nobody brings in any outside alcohol and most importantly, hardcore drugs like LSD and marijuana. They’ve got to keep the streets clean so that local merchants can sell their bongs and glow-in-the-dark neon posters without worrying about junkies roaming all willy-nilly through the streets. There’s a word on the tip of my tongue that starts like hippopotamus and ends like idiocracy that could be used to describe the situation…nope! I lost it.

Wait, is this the beer line or the bathroom line?

5. Using the restroom
If you’ve ever wondered what it smells like at Burning Man, fear not – a quick trip to the Comfest portable toilets can help you cross that sensation off your bucket list. On the other hand, if you’re a sissie that’s afraid of getting caught for urinating in public, the portable toilets come in a variety of pleasing shades (depending on what part of Goodale Park you’re on), so you can feel at peace while you wait in line for an hour. (Beef quick tip: After you’ve waited in line for an hour to get a beer, head directly to the bathroom line – you’ll have to go by the time you’re finished, guaranteed!) Fortunately, you’ll be greeted by the pleasantly pungent aroma that permeates communal toilets – especially after Comfest patrons have been walking around all day.

Have a great Comfest, everyone!

These images were pulled from random twitter accounts and other interwebz sources. The Beef takes no credit for the images, only for the humorous captions

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